I love birthdays

I love to acknowledge and celebrate birthdays.  With my family, to see them and share some time together.  With my friends, my close friends, at the very least to talk to them via telephone.  And then there's the sms's, the emails and the one I use least of all, the card sent by post.

I'm celebrating my birthday today and enjoying the day.  As my birthday is in late November, throughout my school days I always had an exam on that day or the day after.  I never could truly celebrate it without study on my mind.  It always pissed me off!  Since I started working I have chosen not to work on this day, just as I did today.  It is the one day I chose to ponder me.  And to enjoy being with me, and the people who visit or call me.

But although a happy day for me today there has been a sadness thinly veiled over me.  My sons called but only one of my close friends rang.  Some family rang the other day, some close friends sent email the other day, all in case they forget my birthday on the day.  Off course I am happy they even remembered, but deep inside I can't help feeling a little sadness that near no-one wanted to 'talk' to me today.

Of course I could say they are busy - they are.  Of course I can say I could have rung them - of course.  But still like that little spot of yin in the yang, there is a little bit of sadness in my happiness.

Still, should I be concerned?  People have remembered me and wished me well.  Does it have to be more than that?  I suppose I just have to grow with the technology of sms'ing and emailing although I still prefer the closer contact, seeing the person, hearing their voice, particularly if they 'close' friends.  Or maybe they are no longer 'close' friends - we all move along.

Well to end, I did have a lovely day, I am content and I do see the Beauty that surrounds me, and I do my best to express it.

Happy Birthday...

nostalgia

Sometimes, for no reason I can fathom I feel a little sad. I know and appreciate that the universe is always giving, but the sadness stems from the feeling that I don’t give back. That I think that I have wasted so much of my life in not living to the fullest, in not giving totally and without expectation. Of course I know I have given and continue to give but there is an emptiness that takes over and the feeling of wasting is stronger.

This usually happens on quiet mornings, like this morning. And not only a sadness, but also a feeling of nostalgia. Thinking back and reflecting, remembering, feeling past experiences.

This morning was a quiet morning. The air outside was slightly cool and very still. There was some wetness on the ground from over night rain and that atmosphere took me back.

I was nearly 12 years old and travelling on an overnight train to Canberra. It was early morning and beyond the noise of the wheels turning on rails, beyond the noise of the carriages swaying, the world outside appeared still and quiet. Looking through the windows of the vestibule where I stood, I could see clouds of mist hovering over the land like floating puffs. I felt peace and oneness and what I now think of as the universe talking to me. I could hear it.

Later in years in China I would sit outside on the raised brick flowerbed outside the university wall, where I worked. I sat for hours at a time, alone, just looking at the world living and expressing itself, and I a part of it. In Weifeng I used to sit in my room looking out through the window as the world passed by, mainly on bicycles. It amused me to watch as rider after rider would slide on the ice and falling over creating a wake, a domino effect of cycles and people.

And in the quiet times I used to lie on the couch and listen to a tape of the many-stringed zither, letting it transport me beyond my room, beyond myself. Sometimes Xiao Mao was there silently knitting, always the same red jumper, keeping an eye over me making sure her laoshi was ok.

There have been many times when that quietness settled over me and then there are the times like this morning when a sadness and nostalgia fill me taking me back to those times. There is nothing I can do about it other than recognise and accept that it is there. This morning I played the tape that I used to play in my room in China. I allowed the quiet and the music settle over me. I accepted the sadness and knew that that emptiness would pass because the universe is constantly giving and has more power than just I. I allowed my self to enjoy the reflections and slowly began to live ‘now’ again as I went about my chores, cleaning, cooking, preparing.

And now I am back and I continue. All these experiences, feelings are the me of this consciousness I am aware of. It is, I am.

so many saints...

There are many saints in this world. Funny though, when I ‘googled’ Catholic Online there is no Saint Mario!

Anyway I believe there are many saints in this world, people that have not been canonised by any particular religion, people who may not be religious or even believe in god. Certainly they would not be found in Catholic Online but they exist. Maybe they are not holy in the religious sense but their virtue is strong and visible. A few that have crossed my path and that I have observed of their behaviour, I have written about. They have left in me a reverential awe and a sense of gratitude for the humbleness they demonstrate. Yet, how many other saints are there that I have not observed?

Each day I see things, small things that are not worthy of a mention. But when I sit back and think about what happened, if I look beyond the superficial, I see that a complete creation of beauty has occurred. It is a ‘thank you’, an acknowledgement, a small gift, verbal or otherwise, any small thing that can create a beautiful smile and a sense of warm beauty. And many people around me are being beautiful all the time. Just take the time to observe, to hear and you will notice this.

Of course lots of the negative happens around me as well, and in truth I probably create some of the negative. Yes, the negative does happen. But there is no need to empower it; it has enough power on its own. When I embrace the universe and know that I am at one with all around me it includes the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’. It includes being at one with the victims as well as the perpetrators, the light as well as the dark.

The saint is one who accepts the negative and yet still gives without expectation, still gives with humility and without making a scene of giving. The saint accepts that some wrong is done in the course of living in this consciousness, but forgives, others and himself, and flows. The wrong does not grow in obsession, as an obsession; it is done, it is recognised and acknowledged and one moves on.

But joy and contentment come from Beauty. Our life is to be content, to be in harmony and filled with Beauty. So act with Beauty as a consequence. The saint gives and in the manner she or he gives, Beauty is created. That is Beauty which expresses emotion and which is felt when a saint is in action.

Yes there are many saints around me. I thank you for the love you spread, for the warmth you deliver and for the Beauty you demonstrate. Continue, be so and let me aspire…

In Beauty let it be.

A trip to Sydney

I took a trip from Adelaide to Sydney, delivering an MG sports car to my friend. At 5:00 AM, or just before, as I left it was dark and being August in Adelaide a chill was in the morning hour. The car, a soft top was serviced and ready to take on the approximate 1,500 kilometre journey. I too was ready; coffee and sweets near to hand.

Driving at night or early morning, particularly before the sun is up is an enjoyable experience for me. I love the quietness, I love the lights and reflections especially if there a slight rain which distorts the hues. I like being alone and the aloneness of being on a road quiet of traffic with only an occasional vehicle coming in the opposite direction or overtaking.

Looking through the windscreen, around me and into the distance following the curve of the road is fun and relaxing. I think of many things. My mind wanders and I allow many thoughts to just pass through, never dwelling on or following any particular thought. Different sights stir up memories and at times ‘new’ thoughts occur. I sit back, comfortable and drive.

The day travelled past me with nothing happening and yet everything was happening. While I was cruising the straight stretch along the Hay Plains at just over 100 kph I looked in my rear vision and a car just appeared, next it was along side me and then, within seconds it was beyond my vision. How fast was it travelling? I have no idea and unable to put it into perspective. It was there and then, gone. I travelled along the roads, stopped at different places and rested, napped. I kept tiredness at bay.

That night I stopped at a motel in Yass. It was comfortable, the air was warm; I drank a couple of whiskeys and slept well. The following morning, again rising before 5:00 AM I packed the car (coffee and sweets) and found the temperature was not the same as in Adelaide. It had dropped to minus 7 degrees Celsius. The silver MG with its black soft top was covered in ice, white and thick. It was difficult to remove, scrapping and wetting it down was getting me nowhere. I continued particularly with the windscreen and with the headlights. The ice was so thick over the glass cover that the light could not penetrate into the darkness. It was like driving with no lights. But in time I managed.

That morning as I drove through the rolling hills and particularly at one point when I crested over a rise and looked below and beyond into the valley the sight was… beautiful. Everything was frost white reflecting the bright dazzle of the sun. Fences, trees, the paddocks all covered in a brilliant frost. I had to stop the car. I had to get out and breathe in the sight, listen to the sight, immerse myself with the sight. It was a moment and more of just being there, a part of the whole brilliance. Finally I turned and continued my journey.

All went well. The MG was delivered, our friendship was revived, and food, drink and chat went on until I had to return home. I talked about my drive and shared the few experiences where nothing happened and yet everything was happening. But throughout and even today the experience of the frost, the image that was there before me, that splendour that transfixed me remains a strong impression.

How can I not believe that the universe speaks to me, looks out for me? It is there for me to be open to and to trust in. This universe is part of me, I part of it. And life with its Beauty goes on, presenting me not only the unheralded saints that exist living their lives alongside me but also with the natural beauty that abounds.

Question(s)

We as a human race populate a planet within this universe and yet seem to live in our own worlds. This universe is part of our consciousness but is our consciousness part of the universe? Is there even a universal consciousness?

Different beliefs tell us this world we are conscious of is not real, it is a dream or even just a projection of our mind or an illusion. I used to believe that it was an illusion but now I don’t know. I tend to think that this is 'IT', now is 'IT' and we are part of the universe which is infinite. But it does not really matter, at least I don't think I really matters. What is important is that I believe in what I do and am conscious of what I do each moment.

Returning to the first sentence, in relation to the observation that we ‘seem to live in our own worlds’, this can be looked at from different perspectives. We are selfish and all we do is about ‘me’ or we are conscious of others and all we do takes them into consideration. And even taking others into consideration, are we considering what they want or need or are we just considering what we think they want or need?

And of course the questions, and the path can become many, can become varied. Truly, to live simply and in harmony, to fulfil our time in this space we are conscious of, do we even need to ask these questions?

Truly, why does my mind do so?

Prayer...

And what is prayer. And why do we pray. Each morning and throughout the day I utter out loud or silently my version of the Navajo morning prayer – I added a little bit to it. I don’t think of it as a prayer but an attitude towards the universe I wish to maintain. Beauty means Harmony and when the world is in harmony, when there is harmony present, all is as it should be – Beautiful.

I also express gratitude, a thank you for who, what I am and have.

There is no reason to ask for anything, I am fortunate in this way. I have everything I need; the universe has and does provide for me. I may want something that I haven’t got or even want more of what I’ve got but nothing for asking for, praying for. Yes, I am fortunate in this way. The universe provides and I trust in it. It will be there for me until my time is over. But not only does the universe provide it also challenges.

The universe challenges me often; I challenge myself often, especially through my own ignorance and arrogance. Each day there is something I have to ‘deal’ with. Something I have to change or learn to accept. Something that makes me stop, and listen or look at differently. Occasionally though I do not stop but barge through and then face the consequences. But usually I face the challenge and make a choice on how to deal with the outcome. (I don’t always succeed but I choose how to deal with it). So, other than giving thanks to the universe my prayer is not be one of need.

But, what is prayer. The different religions have their own prayers. According to Wiki…

“Prayer may be directed towards a deity, spirit, deceased person, or lofty idea, for the purpose of worshipping, requesting guidance, requesting assistance, confessing sins or to express one's thoughts and emotions.” (From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

So, I suppose, according to the above definition of prayer, I do pray. It just doesn’t feel like the prayers I was taught as child by my family, school or church. The words or gratitude I express, none ‘feel’ like prayer. The words are not a ritual they are for me, as I stated, an attitude.

But why do I say them.

I am but a small part of the universe, here, living in this particular plane of consciousness. I am not aware of any other plane, of any other existence. This is IT. I AM. And for this I wish to express to the universe that I am grateful for being a part of it, I am grateful for what it has given me, and I am grateful for the chances I have of being and living in harmony with it, living in Beauty.

What is prayer and why do we pray – it doesn’t matter. We do what we feel comfortable with regardless of what we want to call our thoughts or the reason behind why we express our thoughts. Be content within yourself when you express yourself. Be who you are, and be it in Beauty.

Let Beauty walk before me

Let Beauty walk behind me

Let Beauty walk around me

In Beauty let it finish

Let Beauty grow inside me
Let Beauty be expressed by me
Let Beauty be with you
Let Beauty be…

Dream

“And somebody spoke and I went into a dream”. These are words from ‘A Day In The Life’ written by Lennon and McCartney and recorded as the final song on the Beatle’s ‘Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’ album.

I liked them then and they still resonate within me today.

A dream may be a series of images that pass through one’s mind, regardless of being asleep or awake. Sitting somewhere or doing a repetitive task, usually mindless, or even on a long distance drive, I find that I travel into a dream. A word a sound or even a thought can lead me there. And it is mostly pleasant.

But, where is ‘there’? Of course that question can lead into a discussion about life and all that entails. I don’t really want to get into that discussion except to acknowledge ZhuangZi when he asked after his Butterfly Dream: “Am I the dreamer or am I the dream”; I like to think I could be either. I just want to enjoy the dream.

Let the dreams come on. It doesn’t matter where ‘there’ is just as long as in my mind it exists, and it does, either as a place, or space or feeling, and I am there.

I dream more and more often lately. I write less and less often. I even take fewer photographs. And I socialise even less still. Sometimes I feel that I would like to share experiences and dreams with others but ultimately I know I can’t. Their perception would translate the experience differently, so other than sharing and talking about the moment, the moment is still an individual moment and the fullness of the dream can never be shared, only interpreted, even by the dreamer. And sometimes it is easier not to share.

But the dream is always part of the Beauty that surrounds me so I let myself dream – bring it on…

And, the dream is one of the few things you can claim as yours. It can only be your dream, or, are you the dream?