Discourse

I don’t sleep well lately. I toss and turn, wake up, read, settle down, thoughts flash past, I turn, my eyes wide. I do sleep though, I am not insomniac. I nap a lot also. I find it difficult at times to stay awake and a nap takes over. It can be deep, the nap or simply a pleasant snooze. I truly do not think the nap affects the sleep. Perhaps I just don’t need to sleep as much as I think I do. Perhaps it has to do with fitness, I am not as fit as I used to be.

Dunno.

But, more importantly what troubles me more, is that I think I am carrying anger. Or, some emotion that manifests itself as anger. Not a violent destructive abusive anger, just, well, anger. Why?

Dunno.

I find it difficult to motivate myself to exercise. I find it difficult to find my inner stillness, that which I believe so much in. I find it difficult to hold angry outbursts at some of the strangest reasons to have an outburst. And yet, I think, often I am ‘well’, so those outbursts seem bigger and more often than they perhaps are.

Dunno.

My home, ‘wode xin zai’, I love it. I don’t want to move even though lately at times there comes a feeling of going away again. Going away for some months, years, forever (?) and teach somewhere or do something, but I am sure I won’t (go). ‘Wode xin zai’, my house of harmony; I try to maintain and develop the harmony, and mostly I do.

So why all of the above, I don’t understand. Again,

Dunno.

At this moment though, I am happy, content and letting it all be. At this moment, nothing more, I am…